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User blog:Constable Huxley the Horse/Update on Me
So, recently, you've probably seen how I've been acting in chat. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, but I'm not sorry I said those things. What I have been saying is that I want it to be over, or, in blunter terms, I want to commit suicide. What Makes Me Feel This Way There are many factors that make me feel this way, though you may agree with them or may think they are not reasons to want to commit this. # My Anxiety and OCD :* My anxiety and OCD cause me to have persistent and obsessive thoughts. These thoughts do not go away and are always there (when I'm eating, sleeping, having fun, sex) and come in a wide variety. They are fears about what may happen, visuals of people saying that they hate me even though I really value them. Those are played so much, over and over, that I start to emotionally feel like they really happened/are true, though I know intellectually that they did not happen. I have a voice that bullies me and pelts me with horrible, sinful, immoral ideas and visuals. I do not actually want to do these things. This voice is my anxiety, not a second/split personality. Both my anxiety and OCD are not self-diagnosed but are rather diagnosed by professionals that took years of classes and studied for the job. # My Depression :* My depression causes me to think horrible thoughts about myself that may or may not be true (fat, ugly, worthless, cowardly, rude, arrogant, stupid). It also makes me very irritable (short fuse, angered/saddened easily) and have really bad mood swings. Please note that the irritable thing does not mean what people are irritating me with shouldn't irritate me. It still does and that is not an excuse to keep doing it. My depression also makes me sleepy and want to just end the day and sometimes my life. My depression is not self-diagnosed but rather diagnosed by professionals that took years of classes and studied for the job. # I Hurt People Despite Efforts :* No matter what I do, I always end up hurting people or upsetting them, one way or another. It is inevitable. There is no such thing as a best friend forever or an eternal partner. # I Feel Guilty For Everything and Regret Everything :* I feel remorse for everything that I do and I feel like everything is my fault. I've gotten bullied and harassed by people. I apologize for what I said even though I shouldn't be the one apologizing. I have a hard time making decisions. I'm sure there is more I can add to this list. #Lack of Hope/Vision for the Future/Goals :* Title says it all. Is It For Attention That is always possible, but know that, even if it is just for attention, I actually want to end it. I want the thoughts gone and I want the feelings gone, the constant hurting people and myself. I'm tired of mentally cutting myself. I'm not looking for attention. I'm looking for a reason to stay alive. Category:Blog posts